"...hope"

"...hope"

What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm a struggling elder shut-in. One that's get invited to take rides on yachts by well off pals. See photos taken by some of my pals on the ride. Not only that I gets invites to dinner from old media pals invites even to speak. Recently at a local Spirit space. 

'But wait there's more,...

Today An old comrade now a Congress Woman from New Hampshire, a Blue Wave gal, invites me to hang when she comes to town. Naturally my first instinct is to make up a bullshit excuse.

I don't think being a partial shut-in is an explanation.

Btw I don't list all this above to brag. Just to show my own self that my old friends still care, and think of my well being. Yet I have this at least for now near total inability to just join the fun. 

Like when Scrooge won't have Xmas dinner with Fred his nephew.
Sez Fred, "....but what does he deprive himself of? An evening of merriment, and pleasant company that would only do him good."

Indeed.

If I still had a shrink she's have a field day with this noise. So full of classic emotion static, and social phobia's. Which although real are actually not strong enough to cause this sort of life disruption. I mean I know that since I live with them.

Might be because I feel in some primal way I don't deserve happiness of any kind. I'm supposed to be alone, and crazy.
I know that's not true, but it's where I'm stuck at the moment.

I'm working on it.


PS

However I'll say this. 
When I was a drug addict as a youth I never had this problem.
So shoot up all day every day, and snort up Peru!
It's your only hope.